Earlier this week, I was having a no good day. A day that was just blah and meh all at once. I ended up writing a jumble of words together while I was in that state. I thought something inspiring or ground-breaking would come out of my head. If I had a lot of words, some of them had to be good, right? Strung in a way that made it worth sharing? No, not always. I will share this jumbled mess anyways and, in the same vein, I will also show some scrapbooking and journaling I did a few days after. In both, I allow a bunch of nothings and somethings to come together and maybe become a cohesive idea. Or maybe I do not. You can be the judge of that.
And my thoughts from earlier this week begin:
Today is one of those days where I have nothing in my head. No single pinch of creativity. If creativity was sugar, my day’s coffee would have been extremely bitter.
My mind was thinking but not about anything productive. Some thoughts I had follow: There is a spot on my face that is not going away. I am nervous about seeing certain people this weekend. Am I going to have fun? Finding a new apartment to live in might be harder than I thought. Will this new place even live up to my expectations?
I did nothing about any of those thoughts. Instead, I just thought about them and let myself think about it so much that I got myself stuck in a deep thought cycle.
And even more unfortunate is that today I had all the time in the world to be productive and creative. And yet I did not. I just twiddled my thumbs and not even in a fun way. It was no cinematic montage, like in a coming of age movie where the main character is dressed perfectly casual and sways her feet in the air while laying on her bed, she walks through her town and sighs, she listens to music and dances around, or she even takes a long nap.
In fact, there was nothing relaxing or cute or funny about the way I sat in paralysis and thoughtlessness (or too much thoughtfulness in another sense). I sat in my chair, staring at my computer. Fidgeting. Getting up every once in a while to examine the spot on my face in the mirror. Messaging my friends millions of questions about the plans this weekend, getting anxious when I do not hear back. Scrolling mindlessly through Facebook to find a place with normal-looking people and enough sunlight to live in. No, that would not make do for a coming of age film.
It was a not so relaxing or cute or funny few hours.
Logically, I knew I would eventually be out of this state and be able to think clearly about my issues. Emotionally, I felt stuck for a moment and then let myself sink in more and more until I did not see the way out.
Not a good place to be in. And definitely not a creative place to be in.
I have been experiencing a bit of a creativity drought recently. Whether it is a natural phase or I burnt myself out or I just got too lucky being creative in the last month or so, I am not so sure…
Especially with this blog, I have committed to releasing one project biweekly to the world, and I have started to feel the mental strain in finding what I want artistically. Two months ago, I was actively editing my book, working on blog posts with an endless list of things I wanted to create, signing up for painting classes, giving ideas to others for their writing. A waterfall, a forest, an abundance of creativity.
Today, I do not want to touch any of those things. I have a painting class that I need to leave to in 30 minutes, and I am absolutely dreading it. My mind is in a swirl, and the swirl keeps going and on and on, like in those hypnosis visualizations.
So I guess all I can do now is wait it out and hope the end of this spiral comes sooner than later. Maybe it will come as I eat some food right now. Or as I drive to my class and listen to music that honestly does not sound the same right now (the melody seems a bit off. Not as lovely as it usually sounds). Or when I get into the groove of painting. Or maybe I will go to sleep and still feel the same. I only hope I wake up fresh and outside of it in the morning.
Does my writing feel as jumbled as my thoughts? Probably.
And my thoughts from that ‘no good’ day end with that note.
There was no conclusion, no end to this rambling. I could have made one up, but that would be ingenuine. What ended up happening is I went to my painting class right after I finished scratching down those words. I did some work on a still life oil painting, and my mind cleared up for that little while. Then, on the drive home, I encountered some rude drivers that annoyed me more than usual (a not so good indiciation of my mood). I got home and sat in paralysis for a while more and fell asleep watching my comfort TV show.
Then, I woke up feeling better.
I woke up feeling like my issues are solvable. In fact, I may have even found small solutions. I have a lead for a nice roommate. I am not as anxious about my weekend plans and enlisted a comfort friend to come with me. The spot on my face will be existing for a while longer, but I will get to see it fade as every day goes by.
I woke up thinking I will still be okay if I have another bad day.
Because tomorrow, I will be having a new day all together.
Whether I like it or not.
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